An Irrational But Necessary Fear

The citizens of Newport Beach, California do not appreciate the airplanes that fly directly over their million dollar homes, and some of them fought to cause planes to be rerouted over the back bay to the Orange County airport, and to regulate them to engage in very steep landings and take-offs.  This does absolutely nothing to decrease my fear of flying.  The Seattle airport isn't much smoother with its always stormy weather.  And it was my lot to experience both landing strips over the holidays.

Even while my plane was in the air, every inconsistency meant potential trouble.  Why did the engine become louder?  Then I couldn't hear it at all.  Did the plane shut down?  Is the turbulence going to get worse?  Oh, thank God it stopped!  I watched the wing of the plane from my seat window just to make sure that it stayed attached to the main body.  It didn't help to see it shaking and jutting all over the place.  At any moment it could've snapped right off, and taken an engine along with it.

While some passengers on the plane were worried about their carry-ons, air temperature and when the flight attendants would serve the snacks, all I cared about was the airliner remaining in the air.  Sure, it was nice that I remembered to bring a good read, but who cares about a book if I wasn't alive to read it?

Part of the problem is the feeling of finality in the situation.  If I had the choice to safely exit the plane in midair during turbulence, I certainly would have chosen that option.  But there was no escaping the terror.  Did this describe hell in any sense?  I thought so.

On a more positive note, one can learn all sorts of lessons while experiencing fear, although it feels more like realities are forced into an uncomfortably close view rather than learning; for example, the fact that I am not in control of my life as much as I normally think I am, presented itself to me.  How often do I trust other transportation vehicles and other drivers?  How do I know that some unforeseen fatal event or biological malfunction will not occur?  Yes, there are plenty of precautions we can take in order to lessen our chances, but as much as I fool myself, I can never possess complete and absolute control of my ongoing breath.  I am always dependent upon someone else, even if it is a pilot locked away in a cabin that I will never see.

Why do I rarely experience this kind of desperation for life, or for anything really, while on the ground?  As a person who believes in an afterlife, why do I not take this fact more seriously?  I was flabbergasted, while flying and pondering the mundane, that I spent so much (heartless) time and activity regarding such things as food, money and relationships.  The curious fact is that these things are extremely important to life, but not nearly as vital as life itself.  What good does it do a person if she gains the whole world but loses her very soul?  Although a truism, this fear is much more rational than the one that concerned my beliefs toward airplanes.  

After receiving very helpful feedback about my past blogs, I should have allowed it to refine my writing so that I am more sensitive to the reader rather than freely blurting things.  Instead it made me afraid to continue writing.  The criticism and realization of my mistakes were painful and I didn't feel like playing with fire anymore.  But then, writing is a fire in my soul, whether refined or not, so I couldn't keep quiet for very long.  Promptly upon my return home from California, I wrote a long letter to every member of my family thanking them for my stay but also rebuking them for their trivial family feuds.  I am now back to my normal, writing self.

For all sorts of reasons buried in my past, I've learned that I want to fight for those things in which I believe, even if it ticks people off, rather than live the mindless, conformed life of the average American.  I'll take the risk of adventure (within limits), problems and all, in order to avoid apathy.  But I also do not want to go it alone, which means that I need to ground myself and work together with other people, especially those who desire the same.  There is a fine line between ticking people off and working with them, and much of the time I'm not sure of which one I am doing.  The balance seems impossibly unattainable to me at this point but as I already stated, I can't continue to be suppressed by my fear, including my fear of other opinions, when I have an inner longing that is greater than that fear.

There are two kinds of peacemakers:  one who makes peace, and one who revolts against a current oppressive system in order to provide an opportunity for peace.  I often have a bent for the latter.  Some people worship this kind of dramatic passion in me while others might label me as offbeat, opinionated, or offensive depending on whether or not they agree with me.  However, this only fuels my energy against them.  Show me a worthy fight in which I can jump in, some controversial issue, and I am happy... as well as writing about it.

My fear of what others think about my thoughts and beliefs as they are presented in my blog has caused me some necessary introspection.  Yes, I am outspoken, eccentric, rash and in need of improvement.  I am incomplete on this side of heaven.  Did I expect to be otherwise?  Maybe I am not so different from the general public after all.  Our fears, stresses and faults do not have to stop us in our tracks but they can serve to remind us of our desperation for life and make the path a little more clear.  Here I end with a profound conversation from, in my opinion an overall unfortunate movie, WALL-E:

Captain:  ...I can't just sit here and do nothing. That's all I've ever done! That's all anyone on this blasted ship has ever done - nothing!
Auto:  On the Axiom, you will survive.
Captain:  I don't want to survive, I want to live!