A Humble Apology To Everyone I Know

Last night after church I found myself in a heated debate with some very dear friends of mine, spanning a complexity of religious issues.  Emotions abounded and vulnerable honesty poured forth.  I was surprised by how much I provoked their resistant words and passion.  Religious and political conversations can be quaint and peaceful until there is a terrible difference of opinion.

Although we were all a little shaken up from arguing, we walked away with hugs, tears, affirmations, and challenges of "more ammo" for further debate.  I felt that our relationships were taken to a new level; we were somehow tighter and freer to seek each other out at church and have a worthwhile conversation.  I sensed a deeper respect and gratitude between us.  And we all learned something new I think.  At least I did.

But it was painful too.  I am still feeling some of the intensity today.  This is because it caused me to face my short-comings, my failures and my sin.  Although this is an ignorant statement, I am wishing there was a nail being hammered through my hand instead of having to admit my wrong during the animated conversation.

Yet, this was one application of the sermon at church last night:  the death of Christ is our example to follow.  I nodded in agreement to the truths I was hearing while sitting comfortably in my chair.  But I had no idea that the evidence of my belief in the preacher's words was going to be called into question immediately after hearing them.

I have had to search my heart and ask God to melt away any bitterness in it.  I am not yet aware of any specific dislike toward any one person (at the moment) but I know that I have felt conflict towards categorical groups of people.  Namely and yet generally, these groups are Christians and Non-Christians.

Growing up with a religious faith, I began to learn that I needed to be a fighter if I was going to protect my beliefs, as I believed them of course.  Not only did I need to know how to defend my faith from the world, but also from modern day Christianity in some ways too.  I needed to be on the offensive in order to combat strong influences around me and also to help others avoid what I experienced to be pitfalls.

I also eventually began to understand that there are always more sides to the story, and that it is of great benefit to seek out these other viewpoints before forming my own.  Yet it is here that I have a great weakness.  I voice my thoughts before understanding, or before placing myself in the shoes of my opponent.  I have been told that I jump in argumentatively with my personal ideals and that I come across like I don't understand the topic, nor reality.  I state my opinion as fact and disregard the much more knowledgeable opinions before me.  Others can speak peaceably about controversial issues, but people might steer clear of controversy with me in fear of a firestorm.

These things not only slices open the flesh of my ego but it causes me unbearable grief to think that I might have (wrongly) turned anyone away from conversation or a relationship.  As a Christian standing up for righteousness, I unwittingly ban the sinners from my life, and I possibly miss taking part in their salvation.  Then I feel sorry for the sinners, since I am one too, and I become angry with Christians for closing their church doors to the weak and dying.  In both cases and in many a debate, I unknowingly turn my friend into an enemy.  And for this I am terribly sorry. 

I ask for forgiveness for any insensitivity.  A gentleness and care is something that I appreciate in others.  This morning I asked certain friends how I might be failing to relate to others when debating issues.  I also asked them to abandon all sensitivity and replace it with brutal honesty.  As much as it hurt, I wanted to be personally offended.  This would be the only way for me to understand my problem of communicating.  They instead replied with a sensitive honesty that distressed my soul even further yet also opened my eyes to some degree, causing me to thank God for friends.  Their outside insight sparked the thoughts for this post.

And now I ask God and my friends to help me change.  Do you have any further feedback for me?  I get private emails all the time that tell me my blogs are appreciated but why don't those people leave comments?  Some things should be left private and some people would prefer to keep their statements within a safe atmosphere.  Also, I talk about subjects that may not be of any concern or interest to others.  But is there something about the way that I communicate that might keep a reader from responding?

There are so many blogs and debates that I would like to now retract and delete as if this would make my shame disappear, but I know that this is not the answer to my dilemma.  To learn and grow is my objective.  As a Christian, it is through Christ's death that my shame is forgiven, and it is only in losing my life, or confessing my sin, that I will discover the light of life itself.

Here are some imperatives that I would like to now remember before speaking or writing:

1.  Restate the opposing side to make sure I understand it correctly.

2.  Give ample time to consider it.

3.  Agree with any statements that I believe are true or explain how I might relate to the other person.

4.  Creatively state my beliefs with respect toward and understanding of the listener/reader.

5.  Express my gratitude to the other person for engaging in the conversation or debate.

Lord God, these guidelines are also my prayer concerning my writing.  Thank you for loving me enough to discipline me and for the grace you love to give so that I can change. Amen.